Thoughts

I was injured in the line of duty on December 11, 2017, shortly after midnight. That is a day I can never forget as it ended a career that gave me so much purpose in life. I had to learn who I was and what I stood for following that. Who was I when the uniform was gone?

On March 14, 2023, I suffered another injury. I destroyed my neck and sustained a head injury. What a journey it has been. Of course, there has been a lot of sadness and grief. All my injuries have set me back in life; however I cannot allow myself to dwell, it could always be worse. There are millions of people who have it much worse. We become so wrapped up in our own lives and chasing the dollar bill that we lose sight of what our true purpose in life is. That most likely looks different for each one of us. It was not until I was forced to stop and see myself that I have begun to understand. Do not misunderstand, I too am part of the problem. I have no issue admitting it. With that being said,  have my bumps in life truly been setbacks? I ask myself that daily. I sometimes feel anger and bitterness. Ironically, I always feel thankful. Thankful I am still here; thankful the good Lord gives me the strength and perseverance to push forward.  I must take the opportunities and resources I have been given to find the best parts of myself. To be the absolute best version of me. Why? I have a little girl who watches and hears me.  As she grows, I realize how closely she is watching me. I am her role model; my words, actions/reactions have and will continue to shape who she is as a person. I also must think about what that looks like for her in the future. I am not young anymore, I am also not the easiest on my body, I must prepare her to face this terrifying world we live in. One day, I will no longer be here physically for her. I must make sure she is independent, fierce, determined, intelligent, stable, kind, loving, the list goes on, for when I am no longer physically here. Those are scary thoughts due to the world we live in today.

I will never pretend to be perfect nor superior to the person standing next to me. Our veins pump a mixture of oxygen and blood that is blue in color inside our bodies that no matter, your race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, political party, beliefs and moral compass. Once an injury occurs, and your once contained blue blood hits the oxygenated environmental air, we ALL BLEED RED. As a paramedic, before my injury, I treated the sick and injured without prejudice, I have encountered all walks of life. In the darkest times of people’s lives, there are no audiences, no cheer squad, only yourself and your partner to depend on. Prayer that your extensive education and training will persevere, it doesn’t always have a happy ending. Sometimes your prayers would turn into unexplainable sadness, I am not God, and it took years to truly come to terms with the fact that my actions/reactions most likely made little difference. I was never in control. Yes, I trained, I am educated, that means nothing compared to the good Lords, plan. I felt so much sadness because I could not save everyone, no matter how hard I fought to save people, God is greater than I. I not one single time thought  about, race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, political party, financial standings, beliefs what their moral compass looks like ever determine how I applied my training and education. I have thought about this is great depth. So that I may move forward in life, I had to truly assess my own moral compass. Did I do and give my best, in every situation I encountered in my career as a paramedic? I feel as if I did, I would do it all over again, even knowing the ending, I would without hesitation, do it again. Why? Why would anyone want to put themselves through so much physical and emotional pain? Pains I carry with great pride still today. The answer is simple, I firmly believe that was a road on my journey to personal growth. God has bigger plans for me. I moved on, carrying all the heavy weight from a career I loved, I chose to keep pushing. I got complacent in my personal growth. We tend to get busy in life and miss the big picture. I can assure you; I am a believer. My life is not cookie cutter. It is riddled with mistakes, imperfections, failures. I have judged as well as I have been judged my entire life for one very minor detail. Something that in the grand scheme of things is the size of a speck of sand in comparison as to who I am, and what I stand for. I get it, I too subconsciously judge at times, no it is not intentional, we are human, remember the description of the blood from earlier? I acknowledge I am imperfect; I am more focused on how you love. I will not judge for your skin tone, where you are from, how much money is in your bank account, your career, I will not ask if you are a man or a woman, I will not judge you if you do not believe in God, my opinion of you should not matter. It is not my business if you like me or not. I do not care who you voted for, just as you should not care if or who I voted for. I do not care if you have a doctorate degree, nor do I care if you made it out of elementary school. All I care about is how you treat others. Do not count how many times you make mistakes or fail, you keep track of how many times you get up and go again. Do not focus on how others perceive you, focus on how you perceive yourself.

Ask yourself, how do you love your fellow man? Do you love them as your mother loves you? Unconditionally, without ceasing. No, we do not, that scares me for the little girl who looks to me for guidance in every aspect of her life. How can I protect her from the world we live in? How can I fully prepare her to face this wicked world?

We have as a society, normalized killing one another, over words. My grandmother us to always say, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” We have normalized spewing hatred. What happened to if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all? We breed hatred. Why? What makes anyone better than anyone else? Remember, We ALL bleed red. I can only put one leg in my pants at a time, how about you? My faith in humanity has dwindled especially over the last few days. People are on social media ruining lifelong friendships over the recent events. The biggest terrorist attack on the “greatest” country in the world was forgotten due to the normalization of killing one another and normalizing the spewing of hatred towards our fellow human beings. You do not have to believe in God, as a matter of fact, you do not have to believe a single thing anyone else believes, all you must do is love everyone the way your mother loves you. What about the school shooting in Colorado on the same day? This did not just start happening on September 10, 2025, this is simply the incident that woke others up. This has happened for years and we as an entire society have allowed it, including myself.

My heart breaks for any senseless loss of life. My heart breaks for the deep-rooted hatred towards others. I fall short too, however I am accountable for my actions. I recognize my reactions and I find myself reflecting on how I could have done better. I then put that into action.

I would be delusional to think not a single person hates me due to that detail of my life that in the grand scheme of things is a speck of sand as to who I am as a person and what I stand for. I strive daily to love like my mother loved. 343 First responders lost their lives serving and protecting people they did not know, why? They loved as their mothers loved, a calling. A thankless, underpaid, mentally, physically, and emotionally taxing calling. We said we would never forget. I am afraid we did forget. What we now do instead of lending a hand, we take out our cell phones and record other people’s misfortunes. Then we post them to social media, are you going to make a buck or two? We have normalized this. We no longer stand on that already very thin line between good and evil. We are so consumed with ourselves that we no longer care about our fellow man. This has absolutely nothing to do with politics, it has everything to do with humanity. Please, be aware, graves are all the same size, no matter what you have or haven’t accomplished in life. SAME SIZE.

Do some research into the life and work of Mother Teresa. As a living, breathing human, do a 1/64^th of what that woman did in her life. If we all did just 1/64^th of what she did, and gave that same 1/64^th of love she shared with and for strangers, what a wonderful world we would live in. Something must turn this around. Think about the future of your children. That is all I can think about, the little girl watching me, what and who I want her to see and strive to be. I am going to love just the way my mother did. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Put your phones down, run towards the danger, this path we are on is pure evil. WE have allowed all of this. I can promise you this, no matter how busted and broken I am, I am running towards the danger, if I am caught in the danger, that is the price I am more than willing to pay. I do not have it in me to sit by and watch anyone struggle or face danger alone. Whether I know you or not, we bleed the same, I strive daily to love you unconditionally without judgement. You need help, count on me, you need an ear to listen, count on me, you need someone to hold you up, count on me, if you are afraid, count on me, you need someone to praise you for an over looked accomplishment, count on me, you need someone to tell you they are proud of you, count on me, you need someone to simply show up, be present, count on me. I can do all these things with compassion and goodness in my heart.

Precious Lord, please be with all of those who are hurting, please Lord, wrap your loving arms around the lost and broken souls. Guide each of us towards love and compassion versus the hatred we have normalized towards one another. Father, every man, woman, child, please watch over us all, guide me to be better tomorrow than I was today. Hold me accountable for my actions so that I may grow to love as you love, in the mid-term, I will love as my mother loved me. Teach me to be more compassionate as well as empathetic to my fellow man. I pray for all of those fighting battles that no one knows or sees. Please Lord, guide me to be a helping hand to those in need.

If you do not believe in God, that is perfectly ok with me, that is not part of my personal journey. I will answer for me when the time comes, and you will answer for you. That does not make you or I better or worse, right or wrong. It is simply our own journey. I can agree to disagree without judgement or anger. To da loo!