Have you ever stopped and wondered why things happen? I never had a desire to have children. I never felt like I had a nurturing instinct. When I learned about Sb, I agreed to the situation more due to a promise I had made to my dad while helping him make his funeral arrangements. A promise I took to heart, after all, it was one of the last things he asked of me. We had 15 days to prepare for sb. That was 15 days for me to dwell on what a train wreck I am and 15 days of fear. Fear of being a complete failure. Little did I know that the fifteenth day would be a pivotal turning point in my life. When they handed her to me, I cried, one of those cries that sneak up on you. I am not an outwardly emotional person. I just held sb and looked into the purest, most innocent eyes I have ever seen. It was the most magical yet terrifying experience. I hope that I always remember that day. It was a rough start, mainly because I had no idea what I was doing. We had a dr appt the next day. I had to get sb around to go. I had purchased long sleeve white onesies. I opened the package and there were so many snaps on it. Why did the package not say takes a rocket scientist to operate contents inside? It did not even say that there were more snaps than material. We managed to make it to the dr.
We will call the medical assistant JTIT, for junior torpedo in training. JTIT tells me I have to undress sb but can leave the diaper on to get a weight. Oh NOOOOO. A normal person would probably be faster at the onesie the second time, not me, weight and measurement gotten, I am fumbling around with this disaster of an outfit, JTIT said ok the dr will be in; I could not look because I was frazzled, however, I swear JTIT was giggling. I started redressing sb. I had not gotten much accomplished, I hear knock knock, the dr (we better just refer to the dr as dr, very few people scare me, this is one of them) comes in mid debacle with the onesie. I am very nervous now, there had been quite a bit of time between JTIT leaving and the dr coming in, enough time that I was covered in sweat and it was wintertime. The dr takes one look at me and looks at sb and begins laughing very loudly. I am generally always up for a good laugh, not at this moment, I have not even managed to get this tiny human redressed. I cannot get the onesie to cooperate with me, so many snaps and I cannot make sense of where the snaps go. It was also a smidge on the big size, which allowed me to make an even bigger mess. Still chuckling, the dr told me to take the onesie back off so she can do an assessment. I had mixed feelings; relief because sb did not need to be redressed, yet frustration, I tried hard not to show, I wanted to say do you have any idea how long it has taken me to get a few of the snaps in the right place? I did not say anything, I took it back off. All I can think about is how I have to start all the way over, as if I had made a lot of progress to start with. We finished the appointment. I am not sure if the dr asked due to feeling sorry for sb or for how clueless I was, the dr asked if I needed a little help, nope, I got this. My ignorant persistence. The dr left the room, sounding the exact same as JTIT sounded, now I know they are laughing. I bet it took every bit of a half hour to redress sb. None of my non-sense has ever phased sb, I am pretty sure she was laughing at me as well. Sb has always been patient with me. Sb has taught me more about myself than I could have ever imagined. I needed Sb way more than she will ever need me. That is the wonder of it all, instead of becoming overwhelmed with fear of making mistakes, I have learned to embrace the mistakes. Sb generally finds them funny anyway. I embrace the messes, fingerprints on everything and my home looks like a toy store exploded. Sand from the safety conscious play area can be found in the most random places and tracked throughout the house. I shockingly do not even mind when there is the tiniest toy stuffed into my boot, no, I am still not smart enough to check before I put them on. My entire life before Sb, everything had to be neat, clean and in its spot. Not even so much as a speck of dust to be found with a white glove. Sometimes I still become overwhelmed by the messes, we take a timeout from the chaos and play clean up.
The good Lord knew exactly what I needed to give me purpose during a time that I had given up. Now in those fifteen days, I had plenty of time to think about how unprepared we were and allow myself to become overwhelmed. Let’s be honest, I am not the most responsible person. For the love of God, I swallowed two Monistat suppositories. I make bad choices for myself. I sure did not want to mess up a tiny little human.
It was not easy in the beginning. The onesie with a million snaps was nothing compared to the other challenges that were to come. What a blessing though, I am so very thankful, even though sometimes I wish I was younger and did not have so much titanium holding me together, I would not trade sb for anything. Children give you an entirely new perspective. They are the purest form of unconditional love. Sb had the cutest little laugh when I would gag and dry heave from blowouts. It is bittersweet as each phase passes. I often find myself wishing I had been able to take more in.
Life is full of challenges and adversity. I have learned that mindset is everything. If you start with I can’t, you’re right. A sure-fire way to guarantee that you indeed cannot get through it. You would be surprised at what you can do when you just try. Can’t never did anything because try had to do it all. Time passes so quickly, even on the days that you think will never end. In the blink of an eye, twenty years will pass, I will pray for the days of fingerprints, toys everywhere and sand in random places. I may even wish for small painful toys to be strategically placed in my boots.
Lesson for the day, don’t sweat the small stuff and don’t pet the sweaty stuff. Take a deep breath and believe you can. Embrace the messes in all of their glory. This is another prime example of the beauty behind all of the mess. Most importantly, God gives us exactly what when need in his perfect timing, it is imperative to trust his timing, to follow where he leads us and to trust the process. To da loo
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