Addiction

I have been very blessed in my life. It is not always easy in the moment to see the blessings. You could stand me in front of two paths at any given moment. One could be lined with rays of sunshine, butterflies and the most beautiful flowers anyone could imagine. The other, riddled with thorns, boulders, and dark rain clouds. Which path will I choose? 100 out of 100 times I am wondering what is over in the thorns and hidden behind the boulders, who cares about the rain, what is over there?

I have done things in my life that I am not super proud of. However, they are part of my story, a testament of overcoming all of the boulders that I placed in my own way, from choices that I made. I had the option of sunshine and butterflies.

This is for Turtle!

I would Narcan the same person a million times. Not once thinking not again when hearing the address. That is someone’s loved one. Did it always work? Absolutely not, that is the saddest part of it all. They were unable to overcome. Addiction comes in various forms; of course there are the obvious taboo ones, drugs and alcohol. It also comes in the form of food, attention, sex, pornography, the list I certain could be much longer. Our society focuses more so on the drugs and alcohol, for no other reason than generally, those are the hardest ones to hide. The Drugs and alcohol can be triggered by an injury, illness (mental or physical) or even just a bad choice in a moment of weakness and the evil grabs ahold, refusing to let go. It is a life-or-death fight. How many times in your life have you said or even thought during the holidays, I am never eating that much again? That is a statement that every addict makes, a promise to themselves that unfortunately more often than not is a promise to be broken. Just one last time and I am done.

Addiction robs you of a loved one you cannot at all relate to, most generally, lose weight; you are confronted with dark sunken eyes that were once bright and full of life. They become a stranger to you. All it takes is one time of a lapse in judgement and the poison takes control. It is in fact a disease. Addicts are so sick that they cannot see it for themselves a lot of times. Someone you love very dearly will turn into a liar, thief and a cheater. Whatever it takes so that they do not have to feel the pain and sickness from withdrawing. I am certain that it is not an intentional act. When you introduce a substance into your body that overpowers your natural pain receptors. Just as an example. Those receptors get to talking to one another and are like hey look, narcotic showed up to the party, we can take a break. Let’s go to lunch. The psychological part kicks in when the euphoria fades. The natural receptors are out to lunch. The illusion of feeling nothing is gone, it has returned, only things appear much worse. All it takes is one time of letting those natural receptors go to lunch. They come back from lunch, and they are sluggish and groggy because they got extra full.

I am indeed fat, not so fat that I cannot sit with one leg bent up under the other. From the weight of my own body, it puts the bent leg to sleep. My bladder is also the size of a jellybean. My description is for those visual learners. The urge to use the restroom hits me, oh man, I should have already been headed that way. I go to get up, and I realize in a hurry, I am old and fat and had not have sat on my leg. That leg will not work. You guessed it, sometimes the ending is less than desired. Anyone who knows who is behind Truth at the Tavern, I will intentionally come to your house, just to sit on my leg. Make you think I have to use the restroom, maybe it is real, maybe not, just to see how fast you move to assist me in getting that leg to work!!  That is how our bodies’ natural receptors work.

They need more time than the psychological part of you can allow them, then comes the chemical change, those receptors have not only gone to lunch, but they also went on vacation. They think they are no longer needed because a synthetic substance has taken their jobs over. The pain, whether mental or physical is unbearable, makes you feel as if you are going to die. Fear sits in and that exacerbates everything you were already experiencing. You’re weak, your chest is tight, you feel as if you cannot breathe. You are certain you are going to die, unfortunately there are situations that the addiction has such a hold that people do die. They use more and more of the synthetic substance chasing the feeling from the first time. Sending the natural receptors into a deep slumber. Some people cannot overcome all of the hurdles they will face. On the outside looking in, there is not a single solitary thing anyone can do to save them, they have to want to save themselves. They also do not recognize themselves. One bad choice takes so much from everyone involved. It is a disease that affects everyone the addict loves.  The only thing anyone can do who is not in the throws of addiction is to pray. Pray to whom or whatever you believe in to help them come back to you. You want them back so badly that it brings you unbearable pain, anger, guilt, regret and the age-old coping mechanism, what did you do wrong.  As an example, I cannot blame myself if I talked to someone today and maybe we did not see eye to eye. They go to the tavern, overindulge and get behind the wheel. They get into an accident. It has to be my fault. Wrong, it is nothing I did, it is a choice the other person made. That is so easy for me to type, however it is so hard for me to bring to fruition. We cannot take accountability of someone else’s actions. I promise I am working on it. 

No one ever continues to choose to be addicted to things. It typically starts from wanting to mask physical or mental pain. It is nothing anyone should be ashamed of. It can and will take an army to help the addict to see their worth. Someone to remind them who they were before the addiction and all of the things they have waiting for them on the other side. It is a fine line to walk between assisting and enabling. If you are enabling, then you can blame yourself. Do not fret, I too enable others in many different aspects. You love so deeply, you cannot stand to see the people you love the most struggle. You are only setting yourself up for more heartbreak. If you need a number for a good counselor, I got you! That was meant to be funny!

Lesson of the day, do not judge, it could be your foot in that shoe next. Do not express to those that are wearing those shoes how sorry you are. Sorry does not fix anything. Maybe some people enjoy hearing I am so sorry.  I grew up in the 80’s, when your mom had gumby like arms to reach all the way to the back of the station wagon to slap whatever stupid I came up with right out my mouth. Wipe that look off of your face before I wipe it for you. Hold the explicitly descriptive with a lot of explicit in a row flashlight so I can explicit explicit explicit see not so you can, you guessed it more explicit eruption, see. My skin is thick, save your I am sorry. I am more of an action person. If you are not an action person, maybe do not say anything at all. Just try to pray to whomever you personally believe in for mercy, strength and deliverance.

Always remember, when you point your finger at someone else, 3 of your own fingers are pointing directly at you. Don’t let the hard days to come win. To da loo