Waking up this morning at 5 am, I felt as if I had slept for days. Going through my morning routine, eyes pop open, greeted with initial heart racing feeling of confusion, not aware of where I am. Then it hits me, my bladder is full, I swear that thing is the size of a jellybean. I always envisioned life being like a romantic movie. Gently waking up, stretching, smiling with the warm sun beaming through the white see through curtains, simply enjoying the morning greetings. NOPE, that is not reality. Reality is, everything hurts; nothing wants to work. My jellybean bladder is on the verge of spilling over. Even though I feel as if it is a jellybean, I swear it holds a gallon. I do not have time to carefully plan my attack of getting in an upright position. Once I have acknowledged that it is full up, it waits on nothing. I am giving my absolute best version of scurrying to stand. I acknowledge that it more than likely resembles a turtle lying on its back trying to get flipped back over, slow with absolutely no grace. I really need to speed it along, not going to make it, the little engine that could unintentionally goes on repeat in my head. I am kind of stood up, yet not all the way up. More of a 90-degree angle, do not fret, with each step I muster, I am able to decrease the bulldozing position of with my head. My head cannot take one more whack, so I have my arms stretched flailing to not slam into a wall. I am not sure if this happens to everyone, I am rather unique, (the politest way I could convey odd). Anyway, once my eyes see the porcelain throne, not yet jellybean we made it this far, never fails. With all of that being said, my philosophy is, if you have seen one butt, you have seen them all, some are big, some are small. It was cold this morning, church starts at nine am sharp. During my morning reflection, I realized it was daylight. Where is my phone??? What time is it? Am I late? Phone located, 7:10 am, I am not late, why is it daylight. Back to dilly dallying, I still have twenty minutes before I hit the shower to go to church. I had something I wanted to accomplish immediately following church service; therefore, I did not dress in my Sunday best. On the drive to church this morning, Karen mentioned she had changed the clocks already. I am utterly confused, what do you mean? She said time changed. I did not respond, I instead ponder on did I know that time changed? I ponder on it for apparently too long, she said did you not know? Careful with your word’s little engine, careful. I better ponder some more. Then I said no and asked how she knew. She said it has been all over the radio and it always changes the first Sunday after Halloween. Back to pondering as to why I feel as if this is foreign to me. I pondered the rest of the way to church. Not speaking of it anymore. We oddly arrive at church early. Hank isn’t there yet, I want to get on his nerves, so I have Karen park where I thought Hank parked, key word thought. Here comes Hank and family strolling in with just a few minutes to spare. I have already socialized, had cackler that sits in the pew behind us cackling (laughing so much she smacked her leg a few times and was very conscious not to snort……. This time). I am waiting for Hank to say something about where we parked, nope, he only acknowledged that for the first time ever, I arrived before they did. I said “Hank, did we take your parking spot”, rubbing his eyes, he said no. Ugh, defeat.
It was colder than a well diggers behind in church. Unless it is 75 degrees, I am always cold. Hank’s wife, we will call her smic, files in the pew to sit beside me, thank goodness. I am freezing and No (I will refer to him as no, his entire life, nonstop all you would hear is his real name followed by no), smic and Hanks youngest can’t sit still, I am too cold for even those ever so slight breezes of his movement blowing on me. Hank’s constant elbowing me will make me move and at this point, at least my butt is not cold. One would think that my chubbiness would keep me warm. Smic is smiling, of course it is because I am present, doubtful. Sb is sitting on my other side, not a lot of body heat coming my way from her. Service ends and Karen and sb go outside. I decide to kill some time hoping that the vehicle will be toasty warm when I get in it. I feel the ever so slight jellybean calling. Yes, after 49 years, you would think that I would learn, not the case. It is freezing and we will be home soon. We stopped by my sister guga’s briefly. I get out, blasted by the cold, I take about ten steps, the slight urge has turned into an oh sweet baby Jesus’ moment. Now I am not about to pee my pants and have to wear them, I’ll end up with diaper rash in five minutes, not happening. It’s a gravel road, with no neighbors, I cannot get my belt undone quickly enough. I would have loved to hide; however, jellybean is dictating this situation. Peeing my pants is not an option. This road maybe gets one possibly two vehicles that go down it daily. I am mid business; in the distance I can hear the familiar sound of tires crushing along gravel. Oh no, seriously. Karen must have realized I was missing from her line of sight. She asks me what I am doing as she rounds the front of the vehicle; she quickly corrects herself and says never mind. The crushing rocks are getting closer and closer. Please jellybean hurry. In the nick of time, at least I hope, pants up, belt dangling, nothing to see here. Of course, the driver of the passing vehicle is looking our way. I believe I even tilted my head up pretending to whistle. I think that person looks familiar. Oh well, I fix my belt. A few minutes later, the crushing rock sound is coming again from the other direction this time and slightly faster. Please don’t be the same vehicle, it is the same one. I get a better look this time. Oh no, a church attendee. I don’t think the vehicle saw any of what was happening prior to passing by, other than my belt undone. I do not condone any of my behaviors, these are not parenting tips, sb was not out of the vehicle and was unable to see me. If you ever see me doing anything, truthfully, you may want to do the exact opposite of whatever it is I am doing. Karen is going to wear her neck out prematurely from the non-stop head shaking whenever I am up to my nonsense which is 24/7/365. There was a song from the late 90’s or early 2000, I don’t remember the exact name, but I promise she has that song on repeat in her head. “She hates me, she (very explicit) hates me.
Lesson of the day, is there really one? Do not be like me, however, if you have seen one butt, as I said previously, you have seen them all. Oh yes, the lesson, it is getting colder outside, dress appropriately for your circulatory systems needs. I have said To da loo, for I do not know how long. I just spell checked on google, the above spelling is a British term for toilet, how fitting, I will leave it To da loo for this one as it is very fitting. I will try to spell it correctly next time. Soooooo… To da loo!
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