Unapologetically Me

Unapologetically Me:

I have spent the majority of my life hiding behind societal norms. That has worked about as well as if I were trying to hide my chubby self behind a flag pole. Not well.

The New Year has come and gone. I did not set any resolutions. When I was younger and concerned, I would do the usual, I am going to get healthy this year. I would even jump on the going to the gym band wagon. You drive by any gym or fitness facility this time of year, the parking lot proves that it is the start of the new year. That would last a short time. Fat people, we just do not like to feel sweaty in unnatural places. Now for those of you that find joy and calming effects of running, kudos to you, if I had a hat on, I would tip it. If I am running, do not look back, you had better just start running too. I am running from something that is probably scary. I swear as God is my witness, I ate cabbage as the old timers would say it would bring good luck. I need all of the luck I can get in general. Let me tell you, we are four days in, and the curse of being an idiot has followed me.

To start, the dryer broke. I do not think that there is a normal thing about me. A normal person would either replace it or call someone. Not me. It is truly not safe for me to touch anything that is mechanical. I have made improvements. I have learned to take pictures when I take things apart, no, things still do not end up going back together. I have also learned to unplug or whatever I need to do to disconnect power. Karen said that last time it was a broken belt and that muskrat had fixed it. I call Muskrat and he knew he had fixed it the last time; however, he had no idea how he did it. Good ol’ google and YouTube it is. That tends to frustrate me even further as I have to keep rewinding. Next thing you know, I realize I am not able to focus on the instructions as I have now focused on whomever is speaking and the tone of their voice is likely irritating me. Well, that is not much help. Karen thought we had a spare belt for the dryer, we did not. She kept saying, “I really do not think you should take it apart”. What she was really wanting to add was “it will never go back together”. I am certain she knew that would infuriate me, however, replaying all of this, that is a very fair statement. We were able to go back through my amazon orders and find where I had ordered the last belt. I order a lot from amazon, just in case anyone was wondering. That prevented me from taking the dryer apart…… for the time being. The belt came, I seen the dispar on Karen’s face when she asked me where I was going. Well, I have to get a screwdriver. It was almost as if the blood had drained from her face. She literally had her head directly in my way anytime I went to touch anything. Of course that annoyed me, I felt claustrophobic. We all know she knew if she did not watch me like a hawk, parts would be missing, and/or, it would not go back together as I would not remember how it came apart. Pictures do not tend to help me as much as one would think. Let’s not forget about mini me, SB. She is a super adorable helper. Hindsight is always 20/20. In all actuality, the front is all that needed to come apart. I was unaware, it was literally in pieces, Karen is bouncing all over trying to keep track of what and where I was removing things. Although at the moment, this is really trying my patience, later, I become very thankful. She is always very polite about it as well, even when my polite has exited left. I am hyper focused on the amount of dryer lint that is present. I have completely forgotten that the dryer is broken. All I can think about is no wonder these things burn houses down. I am in there with a toothbrush, a small scrub brush, and the sweeper I spend hours with no concept of time trying to get every tiny piece of lint out of the dryer. Clean your dryers’ folks. Take it apart and clean it. Mini me SB snatches up whatever I set down for a split second. Gone.

I very seldom do not wear a belt. I am built funny, I have three small body parts, my ears, the top of my peanut shaped head and my butt. If I do not wear a belt, my britches tend to get a bad case of the sags. I did not have my belt on. I had my entire upper body shoved into the shell of the dryer, fully invested and focused on the lint. I feel a very unnatural feeling on my butt crack; I am stunned for a second. I am trying to move as fast as an old fat lady can to figure out what is going on. Behind me, the hysterical laughing of my mini me SB rings out. If she had done it to anyone but me, I would have been laughing right with her. Back to stunned, how can you be mad at a laugh that cute? Who knows what words came out of my mouth during all of this, cut me some slack, I was stunned. Karen very politely tells me that my crack is out, and SB shoved the handle to the small scrub brush down my pants. Thanks for the update, however I gathered that. Karen commences to try to get the scrub brush from SB to prevent this from happening again, it is not going well for Karen. I let her chase the toddler and argue with her, I am back to focusing on the lint. At some point, I realize that there are slots around the lip of the dryer that rests inside the front of the dryer. This concept must hold the front of the drum up. I will fix that; I will put HVAC tape on it. I don’t really know what its actual use is. However, I do realize I cannot use any old tape on it. I had confirmation before the dryer broke by putting a pair of pants on fresh from the dryer and the button on the pants burnt the heck out of me. With the help of SB and Karen, thank goodness she paid attention, several, several, did I say several hours later the dryer is back operational. Karen started doing some laundry. However long it takes for a load to process, wash and dry, Karen comes up to me and is angry. She is holding something very colorful and then a pair of her underwear. (Yes, if she reads this, it was nice knowing you all). She, in her angry tone said the dryer ate and melted her brand-new shirt that she only wore one time and her underwear. I responded with oh no, what happened. However, I am not genuine with my response. The shirt, yes, I felt bad, the underwear, nah, they were most likely Walmart underwear. I think she may have even told me she did not think my Hvac tape was a good idea. I hate to tell you; all of my ideas are great ideas…… until they are not. It was not my stuff torn up and burnt. She storms back to the laundry room. I hear a faint oh no from Karen. I am not sure why I am not concerned and do not ask questions, however that is how it played out. Here she comes, back, now she is carrying my underwear. Let me say, remember earlier when I said fat people do not like to be sweating in unnatural areas? Another fun fact, I am fat, I am ok with it. I do not want my legs rubbing because I am fat. I have worn boxers my entire adult life. One chubby legs rubbing together incident prompted that. I will wear cheap clothes; I could care less. I grew up very poor, anything that is not a hand-me down that had been handed down so many times that it is see through, is an upgrade. However, I will not wear cheap underwear, socks or shoes. Another fun fact, I have enough socks that I could probably give five days’ worth to forty people and still have plenty of socks left. We could go into how I am very particular about them, nah, back to the story. My underwear are Nike and under armour. Yes, particular about those too. Karen starts off with don’t freak out; I already ordered three pairs of new ones. I am still going to freak out. I am funny like that. Not to mention, I do not like new, it takes too long to break them in. I am distraught over this happening. Karen looked at me with a straight face and said, “Well it got a pair of mine too and it got my shirt”. I realize now that this next part is a bit overly dramatic, I said are you seriously comparing your Walmart underwear to mine???  She said she took all of the tape off. Still being over dramatic, I say do not wash mine anymore, I will do it. Keep in mind, I created this entire mess. This all happened on New Years Day. I am still as of yesterday, January 3^rd, pretty distraught about all of this. Mainly just my stuff as I am laughing. On the way home from town yesterday evening, I am not sure how it even came up. Probably because I am still dwelling on my clearly, unhealthy, attachment to my unmentionables. I tell her we are up to three pairs of my unmentionables being destroyed, Karen nonchalantly, as if we were speaking of everyday items, she blurts out, no, its six pair. I have no words, other than an exaggerated what with my voice filled with sadness. Lesson, clean your dryer, however, do not put Hvac tape over the holes around the lip of the drum.

We have to reverse the day a bit. Sb and I needed to go to the 1.50 tree. This is maybe the second time I have ever entered this establishment. I have my list and I am focused. I walk in and see the prettiest shade of red coffee cup and a grey one. I sure do love those colors together. I purchased 2 red and 2 grey ones for décor. Who knew that I knew that fancy word. Probably not safe to drink from a 1.50 coffee cup. SB and I get the trays that we need to start seedlings, of course she got me for an overpriced ballon on a stick, the stick was wobbly but that was the absolute one she wanted. Time to load up. Get SB in but she is standing on the floorboard, I needed to get the bags in yet keep her corralled. I am trying to be ever so gentle, I have those darn coffee cups. Clang Bang, that is how careful I was and I accidentally said ooooooh shit. Listen, I have worked really hard at cleaning up my language. From the moment SB arrived, I have worked hard to keep it clean. Now if it is your child cussing, I would most likely laugh. If SB did it, mortified. I hear as if it was an echo, ooooh shit. I freeze as if we were playing red light, green light go and someone yelled stop. Karen let it slip one time and SB repeated it then, boy, I read Karen the riot act,…. Here we are, I am still frozen. Thank goodness Karen wasn’t there listening to this. SB calls me mama. I snap out of it and calmly say no no, don’t repeat mama, mama has a potty mouth, ick. SB says ick and we go on with our business. Karen is a few blocks away; we have to go pick her up. La la la, events forgotten. Karen drops me off at the local big box store and her and SB are going to run to the Walmart. I am finished getting what I need, Karen is there to pick me up. She does not look very happy. I asked what happened. SB in the back seat, content as could be, watching Christmas songs sucking her fingers, not a care in the world. She said you are not going to believe what she yelled in Walmart. I go oh no, what? She said SB yelled shit. I said oh no, where did she hear that from? She said some man yelled at his son to put that shit back and SB yelled shit. Shoowee, I am in the clear. Except for my conscious. I told Karen about the Clang Bang of the coffee mugs. Here we go, remember when someone pulled out in front of us and I let it slip and she said it? Just like the unmentionables, I have no words. I have no lesson about this. Only advice as I have had time to prepare. If SB yells shit out in church in the morning, I swear as God is my witness, I am crawling under a pew. If you see pictures circulating on social media of a fat lady stuffed underneath what appears to be a church pew, it is me, and you know what happened!

Over all lessons: Every story whether that be funny or serious in nature is the exact way I process, and see the world, that is what makes this unapologetically me. I spent a good portion of my life apologizing for who I am as a person. Not everyone can handle a personality such as mine. Truth be told, there are times that I cannot handle myself. Life does not have to be so serious. We all endure hardships, some worse than others. When you find yourself in those moments, where you feel as if you cannot bear to put one more foot in front of the other, tip your head back, extend your arms as far as they will go out to each side. Just stand there in that moment, close your eyes and take a deep breath. Do it as many times as you need. When you feel as if you can breathe again, keep moving. There are more doors to be opened. You never know when your ship will come in. I cannot even begin to count how many times I wanted to throw in the towel. Especially on those days that I cannot tolerate myself. I think by now that you have realized I am a believer. It is still perfectly ok if you are not. That will not stop me from sharing with you the things I have realized. I forget more than I remember. I forgot to take my morning medicine the other morning. I believe it was New Years Day. When Karen realized I had forgotten, it was way too late to take it. I was fine for the majority of that day. The next day and the vast majority of yesterday, I was a rough. I made myself go outside yesterday. That is the one thing that makes me feel human, walking out of the darkness. I do not live in a haunted house, I have a lot of light sensitivity issues, so I spend a lot of time in a dark room. Just to clarify. I wear dark sunglasses; however, I can feel the sun, good old vitamin D. Anyway, in my readings, I realized that God makes us perfectly imperfect before we are ever thought of. He has felt our struggles, he has walked every mile, endured every hardship, sacrificed far more than we could ever imagine. You can believe however or whatever you choose. I believe he loves us unconditionally long before we love him. He was mocked and hated by many. He did not fit the mold of what was socially acceptable. That has never stopped him from loving each and every one of us. We never have to earn or prove it; it is given without conditions. Just tip your head back, spread your arms as wide as you can reach, take a deep breath and give it to him. Even if you’re not ready to do that now, that is perfectly fine, he will be waiting and ready whenever you are. It took me 49 years to arrive. Not because I did not want to arrive but because I am not what others would perceive as socially acceptable. I have never felt worthy, he did not make me feel that way, I did. Of course I will still have rough days, the difference is, I know that I am not alone, I realized upon my arrival that I have never taken a single step alone. I share my faith and my stories as crazy as some of them are because I am comfortable being uncomfortable. I am the dumb little fish that always swims against the current. (I hope you visualized a chubby little fish, cheeks puffed out, sunglasses on, little fins a flapping). That is simply how I was designed. In closing, even if you choose not to arrive, at a bare minimum, learn to embrace the suck. Unapologetically be you, whatever that looks like. Even when it does not feel like it, you will walk out of the darkness, however, never alone.

Happy New Year! Toodle-loo