Summer

Summer:

Hello, once again it has been a while. Sometimes I think I better try to write today, however, it is just not that easy.

It is absurd that I complain when it is too cold, then it gets hot, I am still complaining. I am not sure why mother nature cannot stay at a constant 72 degrees. No, we cannot have that. Then, it has to rain and storm every other day. The good Lord knows we need it, why can we not spread it out? When the old saying of the “Dog days of Summer” come around, we will not be able to buy a drop of rain. Not only that, the rain brings out all of the mosquitoes, not the tiny little blood nibblers, but the big 747 mosquitoes that have blood lettings. Karen told me the other day that SB had Whelps from a mosquito. I said she has what? Karen: Whelps. Me: Karen I am not the brightest bulb in the package, but I think whelping is what a female dog does when she is having puppies. I said I think you mean welts. Karen, less than thrilled that I am correcting her misuse of a word, points out that mispronounce words as well. Mmhmm, noted, still welts, not whelps.

In other news, about a month ago, I was eating something and my top rear molar hit my bottom molar, it has happened several times before. It most certainly does not feel pleasant. I thought I had bruised the bottom. I am not even sure you can bruise your gums from teeth colliding; however, I am rolling with it. A few weeks later, it still hurt just as badly. Dang, now I am going to have to go to the dentist, I thought maybe I cracked it as it still did not feel pleasant. It of course takes a bit to get in. Karen takes me to the dentist, they do their normal, ask a ton of questions. Karen did not come in with me, she sat out with SB. I am starting to panic; I do not know the answers to the questions. Dang, why can’t you simply fix my tooth? What medicine are you on? Me: a lot. Them: any blood thinners? Me: Nope. Them: no Aspirin? Me: are you asking because I am old or is it because I am fat? Them: silence with a hint of shock. Me: oh, a combination of them both, I have taken a baby aspirin a day for a very long time as a preventative. We move on to the x-rays. The dentist comes in what seems like an eternity later. Takes a look at my mouth and proceeds to talk to me with her hands in my mouth, not statements, questions. Now how do they expect you to answer when they have their hands shoved in your mouth? She said oh yes, that back tooth has to come out. Me: whaaaaaat, my best whaaaat with hands in my mouth. Her: it is loose. Me: ugh, ok well take it out because it feels very unpleasant. Her: oh, I cannot do it today, have to get medical clearance for your blood thinner. Me: I do not take blood thinners. Her: you take Aspirin. Me: That is not a blood thinner, it is a platelet slicker upper, I promise I won’t bleed out. Her: No, we will get medical clearance and then have you come back in. You also have a baby cavity on the top; I will take care of that at the same time. Me: No, I do not, I have never had a cavity. Her: it is very tiny; I will fix it while I am already in there. Then she asks me how long I am brushing. I said 9 minutes. I cannot be trusted with a regular toothbrush as I flatten them in a couple of days ruining them. My toothbrush turns on and cycles for 3 minutes. I restart it 3 times. I brush 2 times a day. She told me I am brushing too long, no need to restart it so many times. I wanted to so badly tell her listen lady, you do not live inside my head. My brain will not allow me to only go 3 or 6 minutes; it has to be 9. If it is not 9 I will not be able to move on for the day, I also will not sleep, I will continuously think about how I did not cycle for the 9 minutes. I won’t go into the rest of my groupings of 3, some of them are stranger than the teeth brushing. Then, the worst part of the entire visit. Your bottom two front teeth also need to be removed. I sat straight up, no thank you. Then I remembered, I use to have my tongue pierced. I said no, it is from my tongue being pierced. She gasped and said that is the worst thing you could have in your mouth. I do not have it anymore. She said well, the damage is done. I said no, it is fine. She asked if they bothered me, no, only that one time when I hit myself in the mouth really hard and pushed one of them backwards. I said my wife had to pull it back forward, it was disgusting but my diligent brushing of my gums, it was not loose. It was slightly tender for a few days. She is just staring at me with her eyebrows raised at this point. I said listen, I do not have a lot going for me, I have always taken care of my teeth, they are naturally straight, I am not walking around with missing teeth. She laughed and said, “you won’t you can get a partial.” I said that does not sound any better, I have seen too many people looking like donkey’s because their “new” teeth do not fit their mouth. I am swearing in my head that I am not coming back and thanking God that I take a platelet slicker upper. She has two different people who come measure every single tooth for measurements for the partial. Waste your time if you want, I am not coming back. Little did I know that I would because that dang molar continued to feel unpleasant. I am not sure what day I went this past week. I do remember the visit. They go through many different numbing processes. The only things that seem to really be numb is my tongue and lips. I can totally still feel that molar. The dentist comes in and asks how I am doing. I said I am fine, planning my escape. She said, I will fix the small cavity and then take care of the molar. I said OK, however I can still feel my teeth, especially the molar. She said oh that is not normal. I said ma’am there is not a single thing that is normal about me, so the fact that your numbing needles have not numbed the parts of my mouth that you want numb does not surprise me. She said she would numb it more and wait 30 more minutes and come back. I said no way, I am not waiting another 30 minutes, just do it. She takes her little tool and taps on that back molar, I am contemplating head butting her, she ask if I can feel that, well I absolutely felt it. No, I better numb your mouth some more. I said no, I am not waiting another 30 minutes for the same results. Just fix the cavity and pull the dang tooth. I can but it is going to hurt. I think my eyes rolled into the back of my head. She fires up her drill and starts with the cavity. The assistant is spraying water randomly and sucking it back out, my tongue kept getting sucked up, that was rather annoying. No, it did not feel pleasant. With her hand and drill, then the water sprayer and sucker thing stuck in my mouth she asks how I am doing, how the heck am I supposed to answer her? I take my tightly clenched fist on my right hand and give a thumbs up. She finally finished drilling and says ok; someone will be into fill it. Fists still clenched I manage another thumbs up. I am annoyed now as I wait. My tongue and lips are still numb, and it feels like I am drooling on myself. The girl comes and fills it then tells me to feel it with my tongue to see if there are any rough spots. My tongue was numb, how the heck would I have felt that??? Whatever, I am over it at this point, it feels fine. Here comes the dentist again. Are you sure you do not want me to numb it more as she has one hand behind her back. I said I am positive I am not sitting here for another 30 minutes, what is behind your back? She shows me these rather barbaric looking pliers. I asked what are you going to do with those? I had a pretty good idea and said just kidding hurry and do it before I change my mind. Hands, barbaric pliers, water and suction back in my mouth. She then decided to put a bite block in my mouth. Probably a good choice. She wrestles with my tooth, I am focused on not head butting her, I can promise that I felt it. It was more than unpleasant. I felt it finally pull out. It brought tears to my eyes, thankfully I wear dark sunglasses unless I am at home sitting in the dark. She asked me how I was doing and one more clenched fist thumbs up. You did so good, you did not even flinch as if I am a child, she doesn’t know me well enough to actually know I am in fact an overgrown child. It only felt very unpleasant for a few minutes, I was very nauseous. I just want to get out of here by this point. I go to stand up and nope, fall back into the chair. Up again, woah, steady, steady, steady, I am way off kilter. So much so that the little assistant is trying to hold me up. She asked if I had a driver? Ummm yes, I cannot drive any day. She said good, your balance is off, I cannot even answer her at this point. I felt very nauseous and really struggle with staying upright and on my feet. Maybe you had better sit back down. Heck no, it took all I had to get in an upright position. I have no idea how to find my way out; all I can manage to find are walls to help me stay on my feet. The little assistant is still trying to hold me up. Walks me to the door and tells me to have a good day. No how good does it appear my day is going? Thankfully Karen was parked right in front of the door. It did not hurt anymore; I was simply very nauseous and slightly more off kilter than normal. We make it home, Karen helped me inside and I decided I had better rest. I felt exhausted. I slept the entire day away. I woke up around 7 pm, was awake for maybe an hour and a half and slept until the morning. Moral of the story, if you have a tongue ring, remove it immediately. You do not want to risk having donkey teeth. You may think a tongue ring is cool, however, it will not be cool when you have no teeth from the tongue ring.

Public service announcement: The title of this started as Summer. I got sidetracked. I will attempt to be polite. It is very hot outside. Heat causes our bodies to sweat more than usual. Please take care of your hygiene. WEAR DEODERANT. They make all types; I am sure they even make hypoallergenic. I will never understand how people do not smell themselves. I have never heard anyone ever say ohhhh, that bag of onions smells good. That is what you smell like when you opt out of wearing deodorant. If you feel sweaty, you most likely smell sweaty, do not be hugging people with your hot stinky arm pits. When you smell like a bag of onions and hug people, you make them smell like a bag of onions. Tip number 2, it is ok to shower more than once a day during the summer months. Most definitely shower at least once, then apply the deodorant. The heat brings (as politely as I can phrase it) swamp ass. No one wants to sit where you have left your sweaty butt print. They make whole body deodorant; you deserve to splurge a bit on yourself and purchase some. Tip number I am not sure: if you are going to wear flippy flops or whatever, please wash your feet, trim your toenails, sand those heals or try a touch of lotion. It makes a difference. Walking around with claw looking, crusty healed, I just walked through manure laced with grease feet is not a good look. Once again, spend a little time on yourself, you deserve it. Lastly, I know it is hot. I am chubby, fluffy, or as I like to call it, simply fat. Just because they make it in your size does not mean you should wear it. I also want to wear as little as possible, however, I do not want to see that mess, I am not going to make others see that mess. Wear lighter colors vs wearing less clothing. Some things you cannot unsee. Wearing shorter shorts is not going to make you any cooler, it is however going to make that swamp ass more noticeable. We no longer measure short length by fingertips apparently. Just a little tad bit of wisdom from an old fat lady, if your lady bits are longer than your short, they are too short. Please do not forget the deodorant!

This public service announcement has been brought to you by Truth at the Tavern. Toodle-oo!